


Dumb Greentexts

by foxpunch



Category: Hell's Kitchen (US TV) RPF, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 00:40:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17012238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxpunch/pseuds/foxpunch
Summary: A few short & dumb SFW greentexts that have something to with Steven Universe, idk.





	1. PD is an Idiot Sandwich

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by a /sug/ anon: Gordon Ramsay yells at Pink Diamond.  
> Originally posted as a greentext on April 28, 2018 (after "Jungle Moon" but before other PD episodes)

>”And what will you be serving me today, miss?”  
>Yellow Diamond looked at Gordon Ramsay, visibly nervous  
>”Uh, fresh Diamond, chef. Just emerged from her kindergarten yesterday.”  
>”Hmm. Well, let’s see her.”  
>Producing Pink from behind her back, Yellow placed her in front of Gordon  
>The chef looked at her incredulously  
>”This is a diamond? Not some extra-large quartz?”  
>”Yes, chef. Pink Diamond, made in her own specialized kindergarten.”  
>”Bloody hell, was the kindergarten in a dump by any chance? Because this gem looks like a pile of steaming garbage.”  
>Pink began to fume, stomping her foot  
>”I’m not trash! I’m a diamond, just like Yellow or Blue!”  
>”Good Lord, it talks. And like a child, at that. That would explain the bloomers, though.”  
>”Who are you to say that, when you look like you could rent out your forehead for ads!”  
>”Now listen here, you Tinkerbell rip-off, I can tell just by looking at you that you’re overcooked. Let’s see just how bad you are, though…”  
>Brandishing a steak knife, Gordon lunched towards the tiny diamond  
>Forcing the tip into her gemstone, he shattered her instantly, her form crumbling away into dust before disappearing entirely  
>Yellow’s jaw dropped to the ground, as Gordon simply shook his head and tutted  
>”So overdone that it disintegrates when cut into. Fockin’ disgrace, that’s what that is.”


	2. Pearl Learns about the Dogcopter Extended Universe (DCU)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested by a /sug/ anon: Steven bores Pearl with the lore of Dogcopter.  
> Originally posted as a greentext on May 30, 2018

>”Okay, Pearl, if you’re coming with Connie and I to ‘Dogcopter: Animal War’, you need to know a little background on the DCU, the Dogcopter Cinematic Universe.”  
>Pearl, looking rather confused, nodded slightly  
>”I suppose that makes sense…what’s is there to it, though? I thought he was just a dog/helicopter amalgam?”  
>Steven sighed, knowing what he was getting into  
>”Well, kind of. So, basically, Dogcopter is a dog that had helicopter rotors surgically attached by a mad scientist, Professor Armature, when he was a puppy.”  
>”Wait, why would he do that? How does the rotor generate power? How does it not-“  
>”Pearl, it’s just a story. It doesn’t have to make perfect sense.”  
>Pearl huffed, sitting back in her seat and crossing her legs  
>”Anyways, in the first Dogcopter, he manages to escape the lab he was trapped in with the help of a lab assistant, Penny, who taught him how to fly. They eventually battle Professor Armature towards the end of the movie, because he was trying to recapture Dogcopter to study him, and the professor gets thrown off a building and Penny adopts Dogcopter.”  
>”That sounds relatively straightforward. Is that all?”  
>”No! So after the credits, it’s revealed that the professor landed on a truck full of mattresses and survived!”  
>”Trucks don’t just carry mattresses around like that! They could get soiled in transportation if they were just kept in the open air!”  
>”Pearl, I know, it’s a story. So then in Dogcopter 2: Police Copter, Dogcopter joins the police force, and works to bust animal dealers. The bad guy in this one is Klaus Panter, who sells big cats across the world illegally. This is where Dogcopter’s identity arc starts, because Panter is revealed to be in cahoots with Armature, and Panter says he knows about Dogcopter’s parents. And then Penny-“  
>Pearl stared into the distance, Steven’s incessant talking becoming a background hum as she phased out the conversation  
>”I knew I should have asked Amethyst to take them instead.”


	3. Dr. Maheswaran is Fed Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested by a /sug/ anon: Dr. Maheswaran getting fed up with magical bullshit.  
> Originally posted as a greentext on June 7, 2018

>”Connie, honey? Are you here?”  
>Dr. Maheswaran walked into the kitchen carrying a bag of groceries, closing the door with her foot  
>After putting away everything and still hearing no response, she walked into the living room  
>”Connie? Hmmm, I thought she said she’d be home for dinner tonight.”  
>Picking up her cellphone, Priyanka dialed her daughter’s phone, waiting for her to pick up  
>”Hey, Mom. What’s up?”  
>”Hello, Connie. Where are you? You’re supposed to be home; you have violin lessons tonight.”  
>”Oh, yeah, about that…”  
>Priyanka rubbed her temple, frustrated  
>”Did you forget about them again? I don’t pay that instructor for nothing, you know.”  
>”I know, I know, I’m just kind of in the middle of…something.”  
>”And what would that something be?”  
>The phone was silent for a few moments  
>”Connie?”  
>”Yeah, I’m here Mom. I…I’m on a mission with Steven and the Gems right now.”  
>”You’re what?”  
>”…We’re at an ancient gem structure, where we’re trying to find an artifact that’s important to gem culture, because it’s powering-”  
>”I don’t care what it’s doing, I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t be going on any of these little ‘missions’ on school nights!”  
>”I know, but it was an emergency! Besides, we’re walking back to where we left Lion, so I should be home in a few minutes.”  
>Priyanka sighed into the phone, leaning on the kitchen counter  
>”Alright, but you should hurry. You might have to wait to eat until after your lessons. I’m assuming that you’ll want a change of clothes when you get back?”  
>”Yeah, definitely…mine kind of got ripped.”  
>”By what? You better not have been wearing that new shirt I just bought you.”  
>”…A gem monster slashed at me, but I’m…ok. And I was wearing that shirt…”  
>Dr. Maheswaran sighed once again as Connie trailed off  
>”Listen, we need to set some boundaries tonight when you get home. I don’t need you getting hurt or killed on these ridiculous excursions.”  
>”…”  
>”Did you hear me?”  
>”Yes, ma’am. I’m on Lion now, so I’m going to hang up. See you in a sec.”  
>”Okay. See you then.”  
>Priyanka tucked the phone back in her pocket and began walking outside to meet Connie  
>”What in the world am I going to do with that girl, and the Gems, and Steven…?”  
>As she opened the front door, a flash of light and sound appeared in the front yard  
>Connie nervously hopped off of Lion, who simply roared another portal to hop to  
>”Uh, hey Mom.”  
>”Why the hell are you pink?”


End file.
